PIPELINE COMMENTARY AND REVIEW #97
11 April 1999
by Augie De Blieck Jr.
http://www.nic.com/~augie/pipeline
LETTERS TO THE PUBLISHERS
I'm in a bit of a cruddy mood this week. Amongst other things, the
wonderful Bell Atlantic company has had "cable troubles," resulting in my
house having no phone service since Wednesday afternoon. This is why the
column is late this week. "Technical difficulties." I'll have to wait to
get into work tomorrow to post the new column. ARGH
In the meantime, please forgive this column as the rantings of a madman.
Think of it as me getting this out of my system, going off on everyone, and
being completely irrational at times.
Some of you will probably just nod your head and agree with this entire
column. That would probably scare me, too.
You've been warned. Now enjoy. And stay tuned next week for a very
special announcement!
-Augie
Dear Marvel,
I was thinking. I just finished reading the latest issue of your THE
UNCANNY X-MEN publication. It's issue #369. It's also a continuation of a
story started in your other fine periodical, X-MEN.
But it got me to thinking. Why would a new reader pick this book up? I
mean, just look at the cover. It's the 369th issue, already! Who wants to
pick up the previous 368 issues in order to understand this story and all
its nuances, not to mention the 80-some-odd issues of X-MEN?
I suggest it's time to begin renumbering these books, too, in the fine
Marvel tradition. Oh, keep all the chronology and continuity and back
story from the previous 3 decades of story, but slap a new #1 on the cover,
and everyone will be able to understand it, I'm sure.
It's obvious sales are hurting on the X-Titles, mainly because they've been
around too long. MAGNETO REX #2 -- should it ever come out -- will signify
the locking out of any potential readers of the mini-series.
The alternative is obvious. Instead of a four issue mini-series, we need
four #1 issues with increasing volume numbers. It's a cheap trick, but it
works. FANTASTIC FOUR has had three #1 issues now. So has CAPTAIN AMERICA
and IRON MAN and others in your stable I can't think of right now. It
seems like ALPHA FLIGHT gets one every few years. NEW WARRIORS is getting
closer to it. NOVA's only one away. And PUNISHER is up to about 6 or 8 by
now, in all its various incantations.
But you'll need a good excuse to change these titles into first issues all
over again. Bring in a guest colorist! Tell the world it will forever
change the way we look at the main character, and so we have to start with
a new #1! It's a fresh start and deserves a fresh number. It's not enough
these days to dump your popular creator in favor of some other favorite
creator. You need to do that AND give that new creator a new #1 issue so
he'll take the book. The extra royalties on a first issue can only help
him.
What else can we fix while I'm yapping my big mouth off?
Well, let's start with this SPIDER-MAN movie. The ship has sailed. Nobody
wanted a Spider-Man movie. We all wanted James Cameron's Spider-Man. Like
Paramount/Fox's decision to delay the release of TITANIC on DVD for so
long, the ship has long sailed and nobody cares. Let it die. And let your
lawyers know you don't want them screwing anything more up.
Like the FANTASTIC FOUR movie.
Good job on that PUNISHER movie, by the way!
Sincerely,
Augie De Blieck Jr
North Haledon, NJ
Dear DC,
Your situation is different from Marvel. Your characters are older. Their
ship has sailed, to overuse the cliche. Nobody would buy a new SUPERMAN or
BATMAN title. Hell, you've already got a half-dozen of them each each
month.
What you need to do is some up with great ideas, milk them fast, and then
drop them like a cold turkey. Don't build up support for the titles.
Don't support them with house ads or anything of the like past the first
issue. You've done wonderful things with MAJOR BUMMER and CHRONOS and VEXT.
You had us worried there with YOUNG HEROES IN LOVE. We thought you might
let that one live, but finally someone showed you the right way. (I can't
believe you let it live to a 1 millionth issue. What kind of numbskull
idea was that? It almost stood a chance!)
The idea is simple: Creators' names don't matter. Just get some with some
great ideas. Let them sign over rights to their books to you, and then
dump them in 6 issues or less. You can whine later about lack of sales
so long as you give them 6 issues. With 6, you have the opportunity to
complain about market support. Nevermind your own marketing failings.
It's the readers' faults for not accepting such clever books which were
hidden by you so cleverly.
If any of the above fails, go steal away a popular and talented editor from
some other company. That seems to work lately for you.
Sincerely,
Augie De Blieck Jr.
North Haledon, NJ
Dear Dark Horse,
You have no idea what you're doing, do you? Are you a haven for creators
and creator's rights, as you claimed to be in the wake of Image's birth,
spawning such ideas as LEGENDS? Are you a super-hero company, such as you
were in that summer when Malibu introduced the UltraVerse, and Image had
the Imageverse finally up and going? Are you a licensing factory, such as
you are today when the only books that you can sell have Sarah Michele
Gellar's face or a LucasFilm registered trademark on their covers? Is this
just some cycle we're doomed to repeat with the upcoming MAVERICKS line?
Sincerely,
Augie De Blieck Jr.
North Haledon, NJ
Dear Oni,
At some point, some day, Kevin Smith's star is gong to start fading. It
has to. His long-time fans will mature or grow out of this phase, or will
just believe he's copying himself, which is exactly what they wanted in the
first place, but now that they're getting it, they complain like spoiled
brats.
You've done a good job with that WHITEOUT book, but aside from the CLERKS
stuff, you've got nothing that sells, do you? Getting Neil Gaiman for the
occasional 8 page story will not save your company.
Sincerely,
Augie De Blieck Jr.
North Haledon, NJ
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